Preparing Your Child for Life
Learn to Communicate Your Feelings Effectively by F&EG Staff -6/2005-
Would you like to see your child grow up with an attitude of gratitude, self-reliant,
positive and expressing authentic feelings of love?
Communication begins with a feeling and thought and then our words finish the task. Philosophers have long questioned what comes first, the feeling or the thought. The great philosopher Sartre posed, “am therefore I think and I think therefore I am.” Whether it is the thought triggered by the feeling or the feeling triggered by the thought, undoubtedly our feelings play a huge role in what we want and how we communicate.
According to Dr. Alexandra Delis-Abrams, Ph.D., also known as the “Attitude Doc,” effective communication is important to our well being, self esteem and character development. “When children learn to express their feelings they are equipped with a conflict resolution skill that will be with them throughout life,” says Dr. Delis-Abrams. “Exploring and understanding how we truly feel is linked to increasing low self esteem and character development. These are just a few of the many areas in which we experience radical personal transformation when we explore and communicate feelings.”
Dr. Delis-Abrams is founder and president of ABC Feelings, Inc., an educational corporation dedicated to the emotional well-being of children. Her background includes the study of Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.), a program authored by the late clinical psychologist Dr. Thomas Gordon. P.E.T. is widely recognized as the first skill-based training program for parents and is now taught in 43 countries. In 1989 she introduced an innovative concept of correlating feelings with the alphabet, and over the years has developed an entire line of products with this purpose.
The ABC Feelings program teaches children and adults how to recognize, honor and express their wide range of feelings, build confidence and character, become self-reliant, end bully behavior, learn coping skills, strengthen relationships and insure academic success.
Over the past 15 years, hundreds have asked Dr. Alexandra Delis-Abrams, the Attitude Doc, why feelings communication is important. Everyone has feelings and everyone talks about them, so what’s the big deal? The fact is, many of us were raised believing that keeping a lid on our true feelings is more natural than communicating them, and we’ve learned that only a narrow range of feelings are available to us –mad, sad, glad, etc. “The result has been a virtual outcropping of adults and children filled with rage, loneliness and unhappiness, low self-esteem, broken homes and relationships, and left to wonder why and how they can change in a world that appears crazy with resisted and unexpressed emotion,” explained Delis-Abrams.
Drawing on years of counseling experience and her dissertation, entitled, “Laughter, Enthusiasm and Joy as Healing Modalities,” The Attitude Doc offers entertaining and enlightening seminars and motivational talks. Delis-Abrams radiates a positive, sincere and inspiring message while exploring feelings in a first grade classroom, sharing thoughts with troubled teens, presenting a keynote address or counseling a client in crisis. She has authored two award-winning books, The ABC Feelings Coloring/Learning Book and The Feelings Storybook, part of a complete feelings awareness product line.
Her most recent book, Attitudes, Beliefs, and Choices, is an inspirational compilation of feelings explored through an adult perspective.
Ten Tips to Effective Parenting by Alexandra Delis-Abrams, Ph.D.
Many adults learned to repress feelings. Let your child know it is okay to feel and that feelings are healthy. Encourage children to feel, express and be authentic about how they feel. It helps them know who they are and to develop positive character traits in life. Be the role model you would want if you were a child.
- List five of your beliefs (to start with) about parenting and children. I recommend each parent create their own list. Evaluate your list(s) and determine if each belief truly works for you in raising a child. Be honest and willing to introspect and discover the source of these beliefs. You won’t have to go further than your own childhood. What needs to happen for you to discard what’s not working in your relationship with your child and to create what will?
- Listening is an art. How well do you truly listen to your children? As a five-year young client said, ‘you have to look into each others eyes, then you have to stop talking, then–you have to listen.” Our filters (beliefs) and judgments stand in the way of truly listening to another person. Put them aside, and be aware throughout the communication if judgment surfaces. Notice it, let it go. It’s a skill.
- Respect is needed to create joyful relationships, starting with you. If you want to be respected, you have to be respectful of another as a separate person with individual needs. Each of us has our own perceptions from which we view life–including our children. Their perceptions may not align with yours and this is one reason why quality communication is vital in building a strong parent/child relationship. With effective communication we can arrive at understanding, which leads to compassion and love.
- Communication is best when we are expressing from the mind AND the heart honestly and clearly. The prerequisite for effective communication is intention. Put forth your ideas with the intention to be heard and understood. Ask yourself what it is you ‘intend’ to communicate. Taking responsibility for communication leads to taking responsibility in other areas of our lives. By assuming personal responsibility, we are less likely to blame others for the results. With responsibility, there is personal empowerment.
- Unconditional love is a powerful healer. It is essential in raising an emotionally healthy child. Unconditional love does not include obligation, expectation, manipulation or conditions. Love cannot demand and nor hold on too tightly. Love and fear will never align. Love just is. Love is inclusive, not exclusive. It is all your child truly wants–to feel loved, wanted, and accepted- unconditionally. Your children will become your friends, once they leave the nest, when they have experienced unconditional love as children. Loving another starts by learning to love your self. You can’t give away what you don’t have.
- Positive reinforcement builds self-worth and self-esteem. If we can focus more on the positive behavior in our child, we will start to build a foundation of acceptance and love. No matter what the circumstance, if you can find something positive about it and place importance there, it will take resistance out of the situation, and change the dynamic. Miracles happen when we don’t resist.
- Provide your child with the appropriate words to express how he or she is feeling. Start at an early age with language that provides words to help them share their feelings. The terrible twos don’t have to be terrible when a child learns how to express feelings. You can take this opportunity to expand your own feelings awareness vocabulary. It’s fun to learn together.
- You are your child’s first teacher. They are sponges and take in all they are exposed to. Every word, gesture, and act is a message to your child. They will mirror you and reflect back what you do. Teach your children about taking responsibility for their thoughts and actions. Teach them the principles of cause and effect by giving them the opportunity to make choices. Honor the choices they make. Be a role model for risk-taking and demonstrate the benefits of being a risk-taker.
- Help your child retain the wisdom of knowing who they are. During the early years, a child is honest, literal, present, resilient, and tells it as it is. Unfortunately, many lose that magical and natural way of seeing life, because of what they learn. Help them to realize they are powerful and can do anything they set their minds to. They’ll feel comfortable with this wisdom, because they already know it innately.
- The laws of the universe will provide your child with everything that is real, beautiful and wise. Experience nature together with them and teach your children how these laws work. As a part of the universe our lives operate with the same principles. Teach them to be still, listen to their inner teacher and to trust their intuition, or sixth sense. There is power in appreciation and gratitude; life is precious and we can teach our children to respect every living thing. You will be giving them tools for life when you teach these simple truths. You may contact Dr. Alexandra at http://www.theattitudedoc.com. or phone 800 745-3170
